KHAMELEON MAGAZINE

All most a year ago, Oscar winning actress Cate Blanchett (who happens to be one of my favorite actresses) accepted the Style Icon nod at the Instyle Awards and what she conveyed in her speech, had a profound impact on me that I will never forget. In her speech she stated,

“For me, the true icons of style are always those women who’ve been utterly themselves without apology, whose physical presence and their aesthetic is really integrated in a non self-conscious way into part of who they are, and women who know how they look is not all of who they are, but just an extension of that. It’s about women who feel free to wear what they want when they want and how they want to wear it. We all like looking sexy, but it doesn’t mean we want to f*ck you.”

This was the statement that I was waiting for someone to say as the #MeToo movement gained more momentum because this is how I felt; and how I still feel. Read more of that article here.  If you have read my earlier blog posts, you know I have always expressed myself through fashion and how I dress myself even down to my choice of lingerie. But just because some people (including myself) choose to wear their clothes a certain way, and show some skin here and there, doesn’t mean it’s an invitation for sexual advances or that we are easy and slutty.

I’ve been 5’10” since I was 14 years old and I have always loved my height even when I was shamed for being a tall girl.  But I know I have to think twice before walking out of my house to make sure something about me isn’t too revealing, especially if I’m wearing heels or a shorter skirt, because I know the looks I can get for having a similar stature as a Victoria’s Secret model. To be honest, I don’t like having to think about doing that.  I like wearing what I want, when I want and how I want to wear it. Now there is a time and place to wear certain types of clothes.  I’m not going to walk into a corporate office wearing a swimsuit, but I think women should be able to wear a form fitting cocktail dress at an event without feeling like they have to cover up because they show their cleavage subtlety after being gawked at up and down. In the culture we are living in today where women [and men] are getting the courage to open up about their experience with sexual assault and misconduct, there are a variety of people stating their views on how things should be handled regarding when women in particular are assaulted and how it can be avoided.

I have read different articles stating there needs to be more protection for women, which I agree with somewhat. But there have been some people who suggest that women need to wear more reserved clothing so they won’t attract more attention, which I don’t agree with.  I don’t want to be told that I have to change what I wear just because men can’t seem to keep their hands to themselves.  Women have been told what to wear, how they should look, how they should act by society for far too long. I think taking personal responsibility for your actions and owning up to mistakes needs to happen and be at the forefront, regardless if you are a man, woman, or however you identity yourself. I believe there would be a lot more respect for one another if that can happen; along with forgiveness.

I understand that is easier said than done because when someone is assaulted, that is ingrained in their brain and does affect their life and how they live from that point forward; trust me I know.  But I refuse to be afraid of today’s world and what the future holds. I’ve seen some people post on social media that they scared to have their daughters grow up in a society like today, which I personally think that is ridiculous to say. Now I’m not a mother, but I do have a mother who has lived an interesting life and one who didn’t shelter me from the world. My mother taught me to how to be a strong, independent thinking woman who knows how to protect herself, especially around egoistical men who think I’m sexually desirable. I’m not afraid of men and I never will be even after certain experiences I personally have gone through. I refuse to let certain experiences define who I am and I will not tone down my so called sexiness because of it.  As Cate Blanchett expressed, we all like looking sexy, but it doesn’t mean we want to f*ck you.

Truth be told, I have been called sexy in my life. And when I’ve asked these ogling onlookers what makes me “sexy”, they’ve usually answered saying, “You have the perfect body”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered when I’m told that. I do pride myself in maintaining the physique I was blessed with, but I roll my eyes at the same time because in my opinion I think the word sexy means more than just referring to physical looks and someone’s appearance.

I think the word sexy can describe attributes in one’s personality or behavior; also how one feels about themselves outwardly and inwardly. If you have self-respect and confidence in yourself, I find that very sexy. In one point in my life, I was someone who didn’t have a lot of self-respect for themselves. I did things to myself that I’m not proud of; but once I regained my confidence, I started staying true to myself and being happy with who I am.  And I’m a woman who isn’t afraid to show some skin.

Last year I modeled in my first boudoir photoshoot with Elaina Rose Photography and I’ve never felt more empowered. I felt so confident and alive doing it. It made me want to continue doing more shoots like this.  I’ve shared some of those photos on social media overtime, and I’ve had some people ask me, “What does Mike [my husband] think of you doing a shoot like this and posting these photos of yourself just in lingerie for the whole world to see?” I’ve responded by saying, “Well, I don’t need his permission to feel empowered and doing shoots like this are empowering.” I don’t think any woman needs a man or anyone’s permission to feel empowered, it has to come from within themselves. Some people may not be at ease in exposing themselves that way to the world, which is alright; but I do feel comfortable.  I’m extremely comfortable with my body because I think the human form is one of most beautiful things to view; everyone has one, but not one is the same.  At times it can be scary and I can feel insecure, but I enjoy showing different sides of myself; including my sensual side. Some may not think modeling like this is art or in good taste. Frankly I don’t care because I think it is.

Modeling in boudoir photography is an art form and another way of self-expression. But I don’t do it to gain attention from others to look at my body in a sexual manner. If you choose to see it that way, then that’s your decision. I do it because my sexuality is a part of who I am. As an artist, I enjoy showing the emotions and vulnerabilities that everyday people don’t like to depict outwardly or only in their private lives. But all these intimate emotions are a part of every human being. I am a sexualized woman and I’m not afraid to say that I am.  I have dreams of sexual fantasies and I have experimented in different sexual acts in my past.  I think women sometimes feel afraid to really show who they are sexually because they don’t want to be judged for not being ladylike or stereotypically reserved as women were told to be by society.  I am here to say that if you feel this way, it is ok to be who you are. I’ve never been a reserved person. I’ve been told I’m an aggressive, competitive, loud person with a vulgar mouth; all qualities that are stereotypically associated with men. Now I’m not telling you to engage in boudoir and erotic photography, I’m just encouraging  you to embrace your sexuality in however way you want to be; and that it’s alright to display it without judgment.

For instance, I was at my friend’s wedding last weekend and anyone who knows me, knows my favorite part about a wedding is the dancing.  I love to dance and when I dance, something inside me takes over and I truly show who I am. I will show my sensual side when a slow R&B song comes on or my silly, nerdy side when a musical song and dance number is blasted. I know I get looks every time I dance because I am “that crazy person” on the dance floor who does splits and breakdances in a cocktail dress, but I don’t care because dancing put a smile on my face. It gives me a reason to feel sexy and silly at the same time, and that is who I am. So whether you are more reserved or more open about your sexuality, be true to who you are, and remember to please don’t pass judgement on those you are different than you because they are just embracing who they are.